talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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