i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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