Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
