got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
