I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
