I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
