If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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