Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
