I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
