i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
