you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
