I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
