how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
