Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
