even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
