You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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