You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
