onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
