I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
its liver damage thursday
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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