I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
