But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
im six kinds of drunk right now
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
