ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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