I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
