Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
