I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
