I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
