Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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