Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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