He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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