So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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