A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
