I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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