How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
