You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
