when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
