his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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