I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
