You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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