I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
