i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
