I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
