Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
should my penis look like a turkey
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
