12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
