So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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