There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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