Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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