I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
