Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
