Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There are leaves in my underwear?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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