Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
